Have you ever been some place where the environment just made you feel self-conscious? Even if no one said anything specifically to you, part of you knew and could feel that there some judgment just based on the way you looked or what people perceived. For whatever reason, your presence caused discomfort for other, and theirs caused or mirrored yours... It's hard feeling like the odd person out, the fly in other people's soup. Being different, being a minority in any context can be tough, esp when the majority doesn't particularly understand or care for that minority. This can be especially hard thing to deal with in a setting where you would otherwise expect to be embraced because of where you are...
Unfortunately, this is the experience of a lot of people in church. If you don't look a certain way or you haven't grown up in church or you don't "fit" the rest of the congregation, it's very easy to feel alone and isolated in a Jesus-loving, "community" of faith. I will only speak about Christianity as it's the only church I have been an active member of, but I do wonder if people experience these same sorts of things in other faith traditions. While the church is supposed to be a place of love and acceptance, there are many people who don't experience it as such. This feeling can be even more pronounced in LGBT individuals because of the church's public battle with and words about the LGBT community. Recently this has become my experience as I have wrestled with and accepted my own identity as a lesbian woman. Since then the church, which was previously fairly comfortable, became an uncomfortable and in some ways, a painful place to be. I mean, when you get a sermon indirectly pointed at you that calls you "disgusting" and the like, that's enough to touch anyone's feelings.
So after experiences like that and others relating to the church and my sexuality, the last place I wanted to be was in anyone's sanctuary on a Sunday morning. Seminary had already opened my eyes to some of the ugly realities of institutionalized religion, so this added another layer of less-than-positive feelings about the church. This seemed to solidify the idea that the church was more about power and control and conformity than love and healing and even God or Jesus. Why in the world would I want to be part of, much less a spokesperson for, something that claimed to stand for certain things- but actually practiced (and sometimes preached) things that were not only counter but quite detrimental. But my girlfriend really likes going to church, and I understood on some level that fellowship with believers was necessary... Thanks Hebrews 10:25...
We decided to try some place we hadn't been before. I'd heard of the church and actually wanted to go previously, but I'd never gotten there. And just after 1045am when service started, we climbed the steps and approached the front door of Metropolitan Community Church. I had heard things about it, but now I was getting to see it for myself. Admittedly, I was a little apprehensive - church had made me that way - but I soon realized that there was no reason for such a feeling. One of the most beautiful things that I saw was that there was at least one man in drag in the sanctuary. Now I'm a fan of drag queens in general, so the fact that this space permitted him to be and express himself as he felt comfortable did my heart good. There were people and couples of varying sorts, and as I looked around, I couldn't help but smile. Knowing that condemnation wouldn't find me here felt grand.
The service was similar to most church services that I had been to - there was singing and music and offering and a sermon and communion. There was acknowledgement of the fact that this was a "gay church," but overall, there was care for neighbor and reverence for God. While the liturgy was different than what I'm used to, the message was the same - God is love, Jesus offers grace, and the Holy Spirit lives with and empowers us in our lives. And isn't that what Christianity is supposed to be about? Jesus didn't say a word about human sexuality - he was concerned with how we loved and treated one another, especially the poor and marginalized among us. As followers of Christ, shouldn't we be concerned about the same things? You don't think there were gay people in the Bible? You don't think Jesus healed a gay person? If we assume that Jesus knew all and he knew someone's sexuality but chose to heal them without comment, wouldn't it seem that the concern in his mind was healing and not who the person loves?
But this blog isn't to argue the finer points of scripture. It's simply to highlight the beauty of being in a place, a faith community where I can go with my girlfriend and not feel uncomfortable, not have to feel self-conscious in a place where people are supposed to be able to come and heal from the wounds of life, not receive more. It was an amazing feeling, and I look forward to returning. Even if it's not the tradition that I'm used to, the love makes all the difference. It kinda makes me want to go to church again... I've always loved worship, and I enjoy it in the collective sense. Hopefully this will be a place where I can do that consistently and even do what I know I was born to do - minister.
