Yesterday morning, I was laying in the bed, attempting to have some quiet time, and it didn't seem to be clicking for me. I couldn't get focused enough to quiet myself. It seems that my internal situation was just all over the place. Why is that? Well, as I took a moment to assess where I was and feel things out, I realized that I was unsettled in myself. With all the things that have been going on, between the employment struggles, financial concerns, transition in the church, and just life in general, I have found myself dealing with some anxieties and so focused on what was going on around me that I forgot something important - what it takes to be me.
I have always been a very internal person, because I am a hardcore introvert. This doesn't meant that I'm anti-social; it means that the way I feel refreshed and return to my center is in solitude. There has been quite a lot of change and transition, and it is sometimes hard to process, especially being that my processing doesn't typically happen in the moment. I have learned to be flexible and shift with many of the changes, but at the end of the day, if I don't get back to my own center, I'm not gonna be a happy person.
Everyone needs to feel some sense of purpose and do things that help them to feel alive. I have recognized that there are certain things that I have to do in order to keep myself sane. In a lot of ways I can understand some of Walt's plight. He just wanted to feel alive and to live in such a way that affirmed who he was. Now, I'm not at all condoning selling meth, but what I am saying is that I can understand needing to do things that speak to the core of your soul. For Walt, it was about taking control of his life, using his brain for more than teaching chemistry to a bunch of students who weren't really concerned, and essentially wasting away before he was even diagnosed with cancer. For me, I have to write, dance, and pray. If I can't do one or more of these things on a consistent basis in a meaningful way, I'm not much good to anyone. I lack life and passion, which makes me both cranky and passive in life.
So I suggest doing your own breaking bad, finding things in life help you feel at peace and find your center. It's not enough to survive. We have to, in my opinion, take care of ourselves and do what brings us positive energy and healing. For my dad, it's fishing. For my mom, it's watching "SpongeBob." For my boo, it's video games. Whatever you can find to help yourself relax and get back to whatever your center is, find it and do it. You'll feel much better.
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