When I found out about the death of Robin Williams, I was saddened, because he's an iconic actor who has played countless amazing roles. Then when I heard that it was suicide because of depression and related substance abuse, it took the wind out of me.
You see, as I look back over my own life, I remember the moments where I battled depression. I think of the times when I pondered getting into a car accident or driving off of something. I remember moments where the pain was so thick inside that I couldn't speak. I also reflect on the people closest to me who have suffered/do suffer because of things like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and other invisible mental/emotional conditions. There have been times when I have even been "blessed" (and I use the quotation marks because it's not a blessing anyone prayers for, but it's better than the alternative) to talk someone down off that ledge.
Today, I read an article that said Robin Williams' death feels more personal, because if he could succumb to something that so many of us deal with in one way or another, and he had enough resources for great treatment (even having recently checked himself into rehab), what hope do the rest of us have? I think there is some merit to that, but I think it goes further. On a Facebook post about his passing, someone gave the usual rhetoric about suicide being selfish, and someone responded that in cases of depression and mental illness, the element of choice which would make such an act selfish is either diminished or completely missing.... And that struck me....
It's easy to make determinations and assumptions about the motives and heart of others. But at the end of the day, we have no idea what someone is really fully going through. No matter how well or how long you've known someone, there is no telling what is really going on in the quiet recesses of someone's mind. I love Brooke tremendously, and we share and talk and open up quite a bit on a regular basis, but there are still things that have happened in her life that have shaped parts of her that I will never fully understand. Even some of her reactions puzzle me at times, but my job as her partner is to love her, accept her, and be there for her like she is for me.
I could talk for days about this, especially as the emotions are flowing and moving in some unexpected ways, but I'm gonna jump back to the title - I know that it's like to look at life and wonder what the point is. My heart has felt the overwhelming desire to just rest for a while, tired of all that life takes away or deals without mercy. The only reason I've not made that transition of my own accord is because I was able to sense and receive some love from the Divine. It may have been through another person, a song, a meme, a renewed sense of purpose, a rainbow, time in God's presence, a gentle inner nudge, or whatever other divine intervention that God chose in an otherwise dark moment.
I don't say these things for sympathy or whatever. My purpose in writing this (and calling it a devotional) is to call our hearts and minds to the realities that affect so many people. My devotion today and every day will be the two greatest commandments according to Christianity (and some rules that I think are fairly universal in spirit): love God with all of who you are and love your neighbor as you love yourself. Whatever your understanding of the Divine, know that there is something bigger than you connecting you to everything else in life. The fact that you are alive speaks to a purpose, and that is worth devoting yourself to. And yes, people and life can cause tremendous pain, but I (and I would venture to say everyone) need to know that when I can't trust my own mind to tell me the truth - I am beautiful, I am loved, I am worthwhile, I am enough, I matter, I have a purpose, etc - that there will be Someone who cares and someone who will reach out, so I should be willing to do the same for someone else. And if I cannot feel the arms of another or reach for the Divine, I have to pull out the pom poms and be my own cheerleader, even if that means writing affirmations, tattooing a reminder on my arm, or making the screen of my phone words to live by.
Let's devote ourselves to (re)building community so that we can hopefully lessen (if not eradicate) tragic losses like this one.
And if you are suffering, know that there are professionals and people who can provide assistance. Don't ever try to go it alone....
Genie, you're free....
RIP Robin Williams
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