Simply Ferguson

Today, I am feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions.  I cannot really put into words all of what is going on.  My wonderful partner texted me a picture of us jumping the broom and reminded me that we've officially been married for a month.  And while that is a cause for celebration, jubilation is not at the top of my list of feelings right now.  While we now have the freedom to marry, at least in our state, we also want kids, but we are conflicted as to whether to do that considering the fear we would have to face every day of our children being gunned down by those called to protect and serve or raped by people whose patriarchal privilege makes them blind to the value of others.
On Facebook, I see people celebrating birthdays and enjoying things like that, and such should be celebrated.  Clearly life is not promised, and we should take every opportunity to be thankful for each day and each breath that we get.  But when will we learn to truly mourn as a community and a nation?  Not just for celebrities (not to negate their lives) but for the soul of this country and for the people who die needlessly on a daily basis.  I am typically an optimistic person, but it is really hard to find a bright spot in this.  My heart aches for my community and for my people, especially since many of them are denouncing the protesters and distancing themselves, saying "those aren't my people."  You might not think so, but you will be gunned down just as easily, because in this country, we are all united in the eyes of a system that was never built to protect us.
So what do I do?  I don't want to self-medicate.  I don't want to destroy property or do violence to others.  Maybe Marcus Garvey had it right....  Black people were never meant for this country, and even with a black man as president, it's clear that we are still only about 3/5 of a person in the eyes of the law....  So what do I do?  The church will tell me to pray, saying that God is still in control and that there is a judgment coming that will right all such things, so I should just pray about it.  While I don't find that a comforting answer, and while I'm sure Lesley McSpadden and Michael Brown Sr have been told to pray too, but that's not gonna bring back their son or really do much else for them.  But I will try.....
I will pray the prayers of my ancestors in the bellies of slave ships, of women comforting themselves after being ravaged in secret then sent to the fields to pick cotton, of lynching victims as the noose was placed around their necks, of victims of violence being assaulted with hands and feet and verbal weapons - Lord, why?  When will enough be enough?  When will the people made in Your image see that image in others?  When will how I feel matter?  You promised peace, but all I find are pieces - pieces of my family as we separated, incarcerated, and slaughtered... pieces of my sanity as I try to make sense of living in "the land of the free and the home of the brave" while I don't have the freedom to walk down the street, because the "brave" police are afraid of unarmed black men... pieces of a Church that is supposed provide holistic ministry and healing but is more concerned with tithes and following a program than making a difference in the lives of the people and the community.  God, do You hear the cries of Your people?   The tears are not of worship but of sadness and hurt....  I'm not lifting my hands in reverence but in frustration....  Justice is a joke, and I'm the punchline.  Hear my lament.  Rescue me.  Or show me how to rescue myself.  But don't just leave me to another Sunday service, another day of work to continue the killer capitalist system moving, another "let the system work," another "let's talk calmly about things."  I confess that I'm angry, and I don't have the internal fortitude to wait for vengeance to be Yours, especially when the killer has been released to enjoy his new wife while the victim won't get the chance to fall in love...............