Thanksgiving with a Twist

Today is a day when people tend to spend some time in reflection.  We are encouraged to be thankful and to think on the things that life has blessed us with.  Being the introspective person that I am, I have done so as well over the past couple days.  And like most others, I am grateful for the blessings of family, friends, basic needs, etc.  But as I dug a little deeper, there are some other things that I am thankful for, one in particular, that don't typically surface on the traditional list.

I am thankful for the people who refuse(d) to accept me, because they have pushed me to accept myself.  I grew up feeling like I needed the approval and acceptance of others.  Being a person of multiple minorities, this was a difficult need to have.  Even within groups of people who should have embraced me, finding acceptance has been difficult to say the least.  For a long time, I tried to fit into other people's boxes of expectation, because I just wanted to be accepted.  This is a basic human need, and I fought myself hard to find it.  Of course, that didn't really work, because the acceptance I got was based on a presentation rather than the actual me.  It probably wasn't until I had to deal with a desire to be accepted based on (or in spite of) my sexual orientation (not preference, because it is not a choice) that I really came to grips with the fact that this was not something that certain people would accept... but my life still had to continue.  The people who refused to accept me made me delve deeper.  I questioned and wrestled and prayed and cried, willing it to be another way, because I didn't want to lose those people or their positive opinion of me.  But just like being black and a female and 5'4, there was nothing I could do about liking women.  And once I accepted that it was part of myself, I realized that no matter who didn't accept it, I had.  I was (and am) the most important person in my sphere of acceptance.  There have been people with whom my relationship has been drastically altered since coming to this place of understanding, but if it wasn't for their opposition to who I am, I wouldn't have been motivated to seek my own authentic truth.  I can stand on my own two feet, and for that I am grateful...

So I am grateful for lost relationships, for rejection, for the consequences of choosing to be me rather than someone else's expectations.  Because just as they can live their lives as they feel they have been given, I can now do the same.  More than all the money in the world, the friends and family smiling in my face, the applause of the crowds, or anything else that seems nice on the surface, I am thankful that when I go to bed at night, I can be proud of who I am and live that truth every day.  Can you say that?

A Roar and a Sermon

"I've got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire, cuz I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar louder, louder than a lion, cuz I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar."  It is unfortunate that many people do not find or allow themselves that freedom.  We often spend so much time worried about the opinions, words, actions, and judgments of others that we neglect ourselves and the true beauty of what makes us unique.  Just because someone likes/prefers things a certain way doesn't that you should allow them to alter you to fit it.  Maybe their views need to be less narrow or maybe they don't need you in their life.  If they cannot truly love/respect who you are (not just their version of who they think you should be), then you should consider the truth of their love and whether you deserve more...  So don't let your voice be silenced in the interest of someone else and to your detriment. 
After I did the above reflections a few days ago, I went to a worship service that had a sermon with some resonance of this same message.  She spoke about how preachers should be unafraid of the response of the congregation, speaking the truth without fear.  She used the example of Pilate who had misgivings about sentencing Jesus to death, but he was swayed by the crowd and was more concerned with keeping the peace and advancing his political career.  It was his wife who pushed him to distance himself, because the truth was about to be killed by the masses, and she felt that he should have no part in it.  He didn't have the courage to stand up to the crowd, though he certainly had the power and authority....  So he recused himself, washing his hands, but let the crowd do what it wanted and kill the truth.
How often do we let others kill our truth?  Worse yet, how often do we join them, throwing our own blows as we are swept away in the mob mentality against ourselves?  We sometimes let others have such pull in our lives that we will assist them in our murder.  One thing that the speaker said was that when we listen to or go with the crowd, our silence is louder than our voice.  It speaks to a lack of value for ourselves and for the majesty of God's creation.  It also highlights a lack of proper perspective and understanding of others.  If we understood that others tend to dislike what's different out of fear and discomfort with themselves... If we understood that we have the final say over our lives, over who we are, and over our value...  If we understood that one of the most important things we can have is love for and acceptance of ourselves, then we can live life in a way that is not bound by the opinions, preferences, judgments, biases, and insecurities of others. 
So find your voice and your roar.  Even if you are a more quiet, laid back person, don't let anyone define you. We all have value, power, and strength - the problem is that we give it away in the interest of gaining someone else's love.  Our focus needs to be receiving our own love and the love of the Creator who loved (and loves) us despite whatever judgments anyone else might have.  For someone else to love you, you might have to be a certain way or do certain things.  For the Divine to love you and for you to love yourself, you need only be and recognize the beauty that is you.

Incision

I need an incision...
I need my pen to be my scalpel and
Open up my soul,
Doing heart surgery to
Transmit the blockage in my heart
To the page by its ink.
After it clears the
Emotional arteries,
Its partner,
The music would have to
Sew it up,
Sealing in the healing
For my strength and life.
With their medicated and holistic approach,
When the two scrub in and work their magic,
It's like I'm under...
Not anesthesia, cuz that's not conscious.
Maybe I'm over...
Cuz I'm even more aware, more alive,
More awake than when I'm not in surgery.
So like Anthony Hamilton and Chris Brown,
Don't wake me up,
Cuz this reality is better than any
Dream of life that I could think to have.
Let me be free in my art
So that life dances the way
My soul does whenever I'm on
Their operating table....

Called to Lead and the Mini Calls that Get You There

THANK YOU SO MUCH My Friend!! You are Blessed, beyond measure, with gifts that have the ability to aid and assist in the manifestation of the prophetic visions that have been birthed into the hearts and lives of many!! #ifonlytheyknew #yourdestinyawaits #walkinyourworth

I love to write.  And because of that, I try to share said gift with others.  A while back, I'd offered my writing service as a way of making some cash as I was in between jobs, and one of my friends decided to take me up on that offer.  We had a couple of sessions, and during each of them, she expressed her appreciation for my help and for the gift of writing.  Then, after our last session, she left the above message on my Facebook wall.  Admittedly, I was blown away at such unexpected words.
For me, writing is just what I do.  It comes easily for me (for the most part), and so I think I take it for granted at times.  Then, when other people read it, they talk about how wonderful it is, and I just shrug, unsure of my talent.  I think this is true of many (if not all) of my gifts.  So then to get the message that what I did made a difference, it was a beautiful moment.  It is always good to have confirmation and affirmation of your gifts.  This can be true when you have been told otherwise or been made to feel that your overall worth is diminished.  When you don't believe in yourself, you certainly can't believe in your gifts. 
For a long time, I didn't believe in myself, and so my gifts were just something that I wasn't sure of.  Even when people told me that I had gifts, I shrugged it off.  But the more I began to believe in myself, pushing aside the opinions and boundaries and restrictions of others, the more I began to see who I was and what I had to offer.  So when I got the message on FB the other day, while I was humbled, I knew that it was confirmation of things that I have been told before. 
The take aways: don't be afraid to believe in yourself and your gifts, don't let the stereotypes and narrow-minded views of others get in the way of how you see yourself, and don't be afraid to share encouragement/appreciation, because you never know how much it can bless someone else.  It just may be the mini calling that pushes them to their next step.

"Warring in my mind - what am I here for?  Where do I fit in?  I've been searching for an answer.  Heard folks prophesy dreams in ear, wondering will they die.  I hear Your voice, Lord, saying, 'it's not a lie, vision shall come to life.'  So now I realize, I'm called to lead...."

Breaking Bad and Doing What Makes You 'You'

Yesterday morning, I was laying in the bed, attempting to have some quiet time, and it didn't seem to be clicking for me.  I couldn't get focused enough to quiet myself.  It seems that my internal situation was just all over the place.  Why is that?  Well, as I took a moment to assess where I was and feel things out, I realized that I was unsettled in myself.  With all the things that have been going on, between the employment struggles, financial concerns, transition in the church, and just life in general, I have found myself dealing with some anxieties and so focused on what was going on around me that I forgot something important - what it takes to be me.
I have always been a very internal person, because I am a hardcore introvert.  This doesn't meant that I'm anti-social; it means that the way I feel refreshed and return to my center is in solitude.  There has been quite a lot of change and transition, and it is sometimes hard to process, especially being that my processing doesn't typically happen in the moment.  I have learned to be flexible and shift with many of the changes, but at the end of the day, if I don't get back to my own center, I'm not gonna be a happy person. 
Everyone needs to feel some sense of purpose and do things that help them to feel alive.  I have recognized that there are certain things that I have to do in order to keep myself sane.  In a lot of ways I can understand some of Walt's plight.  He just wanted to feel alive and to live in such a way that affirmed who he was.  Now, I'm not at all condoning selling meth, but what I am saying is that I can understand needing to do things that speak to the core of your soul.  For Walt, it was about taking control of his life, using his brain for more than teaching chemistry to a bunch of students who weren't really concerned, and essentially wasting away before he was even diagnosed with cancer. For me, I have to write, dance, and pray.  If I can't do one or more of these things on a consistent basis in a meaningful way, I'm not much good to anyone.  I lack life and passion, which makes me both cranky and passive in life. 
So I suggest doing your own breaking bad, finding things in life help you feel at peace and find your center.  It's not enough to survive.  We have to, in my opinion, take care of ourselves and do what brings us positive energy and healing.  For my dad, it's fishing.  For my mom, it's watching "SpongeBob."  For my boo, it's video games.  Whatever you can find to help yourself relax and get back to whatever your center is, find it and do it.  You'll feel much better.

More than Pride

I woke up this morning thrilled about going to Pride once again. This will be my second one, and I'm still as excited as I was the first time. I'm sure part of that is related to the fact that I'm "newly gay," but I think it goes more to the fact that any and every opportunity to embrace who I am makes me happy. I have come to the conclusion that much of life is designed, even in small ways, to fit everyone into a box that makes other people comfortable. You are only allowed to be proud of things that conform to society's norms, because these are the things you get rewarded for. Yet, it's typically the things that people don't agree with that cause the most pride, because you have to find the strength to be proud despite the opposition.
When I was a kid, I was a bit of a tomboy. My mother didn't appreciate it though - she always tried to get me to "act like a lady" and "be more feminine." But I just didn't feel girly, and I wasn't really a fan of girly things. Being black, I encountered racism from people who found my skin color inferior and even appauling. I was gifted and a nerd, which didn't work well with other black folks who thought I was trying to be white or better than them. I grew up in the baptist tradition, but I felt like there was more to spirituality and God than what I was seeing. In general, I've felt like I was on the wrong side of a lot of things in my life. I am thankful that I have gotten to a place where I have embraced and am proud of all the various "wrong" parts of myself.
For me, Pride today isn't just about me being gay and being okay with it. For me, Pride is about self-acceptance in all aspects. It's about knowing that I am a beautiful creation who has nothing to be ashamed of despite how other people try to make me feel. People will always have an opinion about some part of me, and that is their right. The thing is, I don't have to live their opinion or allow it to poison how I see myself. The God that I love and serve has made me as I am, and no one can tell me otherwise. Why? Because I have a relationship with God that I have worked hard to maintain and whose voice I have fought, prayed, and struggled to hear. I think that we're so concerned about things that God isn't actually picky about but that have come about as a result of other people's issues, fears, and discomfort.
Pride is about breaking beyond the opinions/feelings of others and having the courage to be proud of something that other people abhor. The chains of fear that so often bind us are understandable in a lot of respects, and I wore them long before I acknowledged them. And as I was having some quiet time this morning, I could hear in my head "I hear the chains falling" - a line from a powerful song about breaking the chains in life. Now, the irony is that in one of the adlibs, the soloist mentions breaking the chain of... homosexuality. I should be offended, but I'm not. I understand that there are people who will believe until the day that they die that me being in love with a woman is a crime against God and humanity, that it comes from a spirit from the devil, and that it earns me a one-way ticket to Hell, because I am "unrepentant." And I'm fairly certain that I can't change their minds, but I can encourage those who wonder if they are truly the abomination that others tell them they are that no, you are not. I believe that the only chains that need to be broken are those of rejection and hatred that give people the false notion that their judgment of other people's lives means something.
So today, I say let's break some chains. If you have some prejudices or biases against a certain group of people, make steps to let them go, to see all people as people and not your stereotypes of them. Don't let your (or really society's) defintions and categorizations makes you put people in boxes, because that cause bondage for both you and the other people. If we were willing to let people be who they are and instead focused on living in healthy, respectful relationships, the world would be a much better place. So let it start with you. Be proud of who you are and encourage others to do the same.

Scared as...

In general, I spend much of my auditory time and energy with music.  Even if it's just playing in the background, there tends to be something with a melody accompanying me no matter what I do.  I think my whole dancing thing has something to do with it.  Either way, I don't always listen intentionally to what is playing, even if I am singing/dancing along.  When I perk up and pay attention, it's because it's a song I haven't heard in a while or it's a song that I've been hearing more frequently in a short period of time.  The song that pricked me recently because of its frequency is "Just the Beginning" by Kurt Carr (more specifically this song as part of a medley that I danced at Sixth Mount Zion some time ago).
"Just the beginning - there's so much more God has in store.  This is not the end, this is just the overture.  I know you're blessed, but you still haven't seen God's best, not yet.  Just the beginning - in your heart you know what God has promised you.  Never compromise, never settle for less than you're due."  
These lines are just a few that stand out for me.  Have you ever had a season (especially a long one) of transition or change or growth or trial that has been... a lot to handle?  You knew that the season was helping you grow and shift things in your life, but it was still tiring or frustrating or draining or whatever other unpleasant adjective.  For some such seasons, there's a definitive ending date and time, like graduating from school.  But for most seasons, there is no such blessing.  You're not sure when any sort of end or relief might find you.  I saw someone minister through mime to "Turning Around for Me," a song about the circumstances you're in becoming more favorable, but I was almost afraid to hope.
Yet, the repetition of "Just the Beginning," I thought, maybe....  And as new opportunities begin to become visible, I am finding myself allowing the potential energy from possibilities excite me just a little.  At the same time, some of the possibilities ahead, while awe-inspiring and life-giving, present some challenges that I have not yet faced.  While they are not insurmountable, they present some cause for apprehension.  Any new opportunity can bring with it the possibilities of being challenged and stretched.  While I would prefer the challenges to come over the challenges that I currently have, that doesn't mean that with all that's possible, I'm not feeling some anticipatory fear.  
But the beautiful thing about God is that even with the fear that we might experience, there can come great empowerment and assurance.  What God calls us to, God equips us to do.  God has enough wisdom to understand that we need to be in certain places at certain times of our lives.  The timing works out perfectly, the right people are in place, the resources are there, and things just tend to flow when they are allowed to go when and where God leads.  So while there might be reason to be afraid and apprehensive, there's never reason not to do what you're called to do.  This is just the beginning....

MCC

Have you ever been some place where the environment just made you feel self-conscious?   Even if no one said anything specifically to you, part of you knew and could feel that there some judgment just based on the way you looked or what people perceived.  For whatever reason, your presence caused discomfort for other, and theirs caused or mirrored yours...  It's hard feeling like the odd person out, the fly in other people's soup.  Being different, being a minority in any context can be tough, esp when the majority doesn't particularly understand or care for that minority.  This can be especially hard thing to deal with in a setting where you would otherwise expect to be embraced because of where you are...
Unfortunately, this is the experience of a lot of people in church.  If you don't look a certain way or you haven't grown up in church or you don't "fit" the rest of the congregation, it's very easy to feel alone and isolated in a Jesus-loving, "community" of faith.  I will only speak about Christianity as it's the only church I have been an active member of, but I do wonder if people experience these same sorts of things in other faith traditions.  While the church is supposed to be a place of love and acceptance, there are many people who don't experience it as such.  This feeling can be even more pronounced in LGBT individuals because of the church's public battle with and words about the LGBT community.  Recently this has become my experience as I have wrestled with and accepted my own identity as a lesbian woman.  Since then the church, which was previously fairly comfortable, became an uncomfortable and in some ways, a painful place to be.  I mean, when you get a sermon indirectly pointed at you that calls you "disgusting" and the like, that's enough to touch anyone's feelings.
So after experiences like that and others relating to the church and my sexuality, the last place I wanted to be was in anyone's sanctuary on a Sunday morning.  Seminary had already opened my eyes to some of the ugly realities of institutionalized religion, so this added another layer of less-than-positive feelings about the church.  This seemed to solidify the idea that the church was more about power and control and conformity than love and healing and even God or Jesus.  Why in the world would I want to be part of, much less a spokesperson for, something that claimed to stand for certain things- but actually practiced (and sometimes preached) things that were not only counter but quite detrimental.  But my girlfriend really likes going to church, and I understood on some level that fellowship with believers was necessary...  Thanks Hebrews 10:25...
We decided to try some place we hadn't been before.  I'd heard of the church and actually wanted to go previously, but I'd never gotten there.  And just after 1045am when service started, we climbed the steps and approached the front door of Metropolitan Community Church.  I had heard things about it, but now I was getting to see it for myself.  Admittedly, I was a little apprehensive - church had made me that way - but I soon realized that there was no reason for such a feeling.  One of the most beautiful things that I saw was that there was at least one man in drag in the sanctuary.  Now I'm a fan of drag queens in general, so the fact that this space permitted him to be and express himself as he felt comfortable did my heart good.  There were people and couples of varying sorts, and as I looked around, I couldn't help but smile.  Knowing that condemnation wouldn't find me here felt grand.
The service was similar to most church services that I had been to - there was singing and music and offering and a sermon and communion.  There was acknowledgement of the fact that this was a "gay church," but overall, there was care for neighbor and reverence for God.  While the liturgy was different than what I'm used to, the message was the same - God is love, Jesus offers grace, and the Holy Spirit lives with and empowers us in our lives.  And isn't that what Christianity is supposed to be about?  Jesus didn't say a word about human sexuality - he was concerned with how we loved and treated one another, especially the poor and marginalized among us.  As followers of Christ, shouldn't we be concerned about the same things?  You don't think there were gay people in the Bible?  You don't think Jesus healed a gay person?  If we assume that Jesus knew all and he knew someone's sexuality but chose to heal them without comment, wouldn't it seem that the concern in his mind was healing and not who the person loves?
But this blog isn't to argue the finer points of scripture.  It's simply to highlight the beauty of being in a place, a faith community where I can go with my girlfriend and not feel uncomfortable, not have to feel self-conscious in a place where people are supposed to be able to come and heal from the wounds of life, not receive more.  It was an amazing feeling, and I look forward to returning.  Even if it's not the tradition that I'm used to, the love makes all the difference.  It kinda makes me want to go to church again...  I've always loved worship, and I enjoy it in the collective sense.  Hopefully this will be a place where I can do that consistently and even do what I know I was born to do - minister. 

How "Scandal" Changed My Life

I'm definitely a late-comer to the phenomenon that is "Scandal."  I'd heard great things about it, and by the time I got ready to watch it, I heard that I needed to start from the beginning to follow it.  Well, having recently gotten Netflix, I sat down with my boo to see what the hype was about.  Thankfully, we were not disappointed...  From the beginning, the show was addictive, and Olivia Pope was captivating with her power, prestige, reputation, and brilliance.  The number of twists and turns and mysteries within the show leave you wanting more.  The first episode was greatly impacting for me, and it is because of this episode and the things that it got me thinking about that I am writing this blog today. 
A man comes into a "law firm" covered in blood, pleading with the lawyers there to prove that he didn't kill his girlfriend.  They decide to take his case and after interviewing him, they get to work investigating. They come across security camera footage that provides him an alibi... but he doesn't want them to use it.  Clearly this doesn't make sense.  I mean, he showed up there, asking them to prove that he didn't do it, because he didn't.  But he doesn't want them to use the piece of evidence that will do that.  Well, here's the twist (and a spoiler if you haven't seen it and plan to watch) - while he was publicly a decorated war hero, anti-gay spokesman, conservative Republican, and even a deacon at his church, his alibi was him kissing a man.  And he was willing to go to jail to protect that secret... jail for murder.  Because of his concern for the public's perception (and he was a very public figure), he was willing to possibly face life in prison.  While it is true that our justice system isn't perfect and innocent people get wrongfully convicted, he was willing to put himself in prison to hide who he really was from public view... although in reality he was already in a prison of sorts, having to hide who he was, how he felt, who he loved, etc.  He was pretending to have a romantic relationship with a female to seem "normal" and be acceptable.  While his female friend was willing to accept and support him, pretending to be his gf, he knew it wouldn't be that easy for most of the people who he'd aligned himself with.  So, the closet v. prison - they seemed relatively comparable.
He changed his mind because Olivia convinced him that he didn't have to hide or be ashamed of who he was and who he loved.  Having seen the footage, she could tell that the love that he had for the man with him was real, and he should be able to live that.  She talked about keeping a secret, having had her own experience with doing so.  She says that she understands his motivation - not wanting to disappoint people who look up to him, being what he thinks the country wants/needs, but she said none of that matters.  She says, "Who you are, who you love shouldn't have to be a secret."  After he ponders what she says, he gives the name of the man so they can contact him for an alibi.  Then, the next scene is him giving a press conference in his full military uniform, wearing his medals.  He told the world that he was proud to have served his country, to be injured for his country, and to have been a gay man while doing so. 
Some things spoke to me as I watched this show.  One of which is the fact that there is so much to all of us, but a lot of times we hide pieces and parts of ourselves for various reasons and in various ways.  I wonder what it would cost for us to live authentically 100% of the time... or at least 90-95.  And would we be willing to pay said price?  Would we think it a worthy investment even if the cost wasn't high?  Do we even want to live authentically, or are we okay just trying to live within the parameters set by someone who is more interested in the status quo than your well-being and fulfillment?  Whether it's your parents, teachers, family, church/religion, school, significant other, friends, colleagues, society, or anyone else, we are all influenced by someone, and we all have moments where we suppress some part of who we really are so as to maintain relationship with them.  How much do you hide on a daily basis and around who?  It's true that we all have different roles in different relationships in our lives, and so there are times when you have to be able to tailor who you are out of respect.  But that is different in my mind than hiding how you are, purposely pretending to be someone or something else. 
The other thing, which comes directly from the first, is that I ought to be more authentic.  As a minister, I think it's important for people to know that I'm no more special or different than they are.  Just like God talks to me, God talks to them.  I'm not perfect, and I don't walk on water or anything like that.  I have no desire to be worshiped or exalted.  I don't want you to respect me simply because of my position - I want you to respect me because all human beings deserve respect.  One of the things that I noticed in seminary is that a lot of ministers feel the need to hide themselves from their congregants and the people they minister to, but I don't think that's always a positive thing.  In order for people to have a realistic understanding of how to have relationship with God while being imperfect human beings (and feeling empowered in that relationship), we should be much more honest about our lives. 
So with that in mind, I will share my own truth and say that I am gay.  For some people, this won't be a blip on their radar screen.  For others, they will have to unfriend me on facebook.  At this point, either of those responses is fine with me.  I have come to the point in life where it is who I am, and whether or not other people are okay with it makes less difference.  I lived most of my life, especially as a minister, hiding most of who I was, because I didn't think it was okay or appropriate or become of a minister.  I'm sure there are lots of questions that some people have, and I have no problem answering them.  I think open and honest dialogue would make a huge difference in our lives and in the world.  I have no desire to argue with people about this (or anything, as I'm not the argumentative type), but I am always open to listen to people who are also willing to listen, even if we have to disagree agreeably.  For the record, I don't hate mean, I'm not gay because of my dad, and I don't think God hates me.  In fact, my theology on the whole thing would probably challenge most people, but I think that will have to be saved for private conversations and questions. 
At the end of the day, I'm still just me.  The person I love just happens to be a woman... a great woman at that.  :)

"Who you are, who you love shouldn't have to be a secret."

 

Why I Gamble

The change of the calendar from one year to the next tends to bring about reflection for most people, even if it's just for a passing moment.  We tend to look back at where we were a year ago and think about how things have changed.  For the average person, there's been quite a bit of difference.  There were likely changes in relationships, understandings, thought patterns, and things like that.  Some years can bring a change of geographical location or even internal location, a change in status, be that marital, academic, social, career-related, etc.  Whatever the last 12 months brought, it has likely altered some things in you and in your life.
One of the things that I've realized as the years tick by is that when these periods of reflection come, I tend to find myself amazed and sometimes surprised.  Things that seem sure in one moment can be completely altered the next.  The person you think you'll be with forever is no longer in your life.  The job you expected to have for years to come ends for one reason or another.  You're healthy one day, then the next, you're staring at the ceiling of a hospital room.  With so much change, flux, and uncertainty, why would anyone invest heavily in anything?  Why not just live moment to moment for the greatest possible pleasure and personal benefit?  If nothing is guaranteed, why even try?  I've been told since I was a child that tomorrow isn't promised, so why plan and prepare for tomorrow if it may not come or be as you want it to be?
Because life is a gamble.  It's like investing - the more you put in, the more you have the potential to get back as a return.  Does  it always work out to give you a positive?  Not necessarily in a given situation, but that doesn't mean that your investment in one place won't grant you a beautiful return in another.  For instance, you might be an art lover, so you work hard at your job, scraping and saving until you can finally get that piece of art that you've had your eye on.  Your investment in one place (work) granted the return that you wanted (the masterpiece).   This might be a bit harder to see in relationships, especially when they end.  But I believe that our investment in any given relationship can bring positive returns in that relationship and in future relationships as well, because they bring about the return of self-awareness, relational understanding, and so much more. 
Can every risk be carefully calculated and accurately assessed?  No, because other people are involved, and they aren't variables that you can control no matter how hard you try.  But that too is part of the gamble - the decision to interact on any real level with other people.  So everything we do is a gamble... We have to make the decision to do what is necessary even if it's difficult or doesn't seem safe or smart.  I was having a conversation today, and it was a question of whether or not to trust.  The person I was talking to said that she had been hurt before and lied to before, and because of that, she was choosing to assume that it was happening again.  As the conversation wore on, even though the evidence didn't point to lies, she was still unwilling to really accept it since she'd already made up her mind.  She wasn't willing to gamble....
I'm not saying that it's necessary to take every gamble, because that's not a good idea at all.  But it is necessary to gamble at times.  This means investing in things that aren't 100% certain.  Even if they end in ways that you don't desire or anticipate, it doesn't mean that it wasn't worth the investment.  And I encourage you to take a gamble.  Do something that you're unsure of but that you've wanted to do.  Even if a year from now it looks different or things have gone in a different direction, the strength it took to gamble won't be lost.

This Girl is on Fire

Being that this is the first of the year and the beginning of this new blog, I figured I would start from a place of inspiration that I feel can be a guiding help for the year to come.  We tend to talk about resolutions and such, but I think we have to make each day resolute as well.  And I think that starts with empowering ourselves and getting beyond that which may be hindering us or causing us hesitation.  Even in my unconventional relationship to the Bible, I have found that it does have much to offer us if we know how to read it for the beauty it can add to our lives in speaking to the human experience and God's interaction therein.  Enjoy...

Jeremiah 20:7-9 = You deceived me, Lord, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed.  I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me.  Whenever I speak, I cry out proclaiming violence and destruction.  So the word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long.  But if I say, “I will not mention his word or speak anymore in his name,” his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones.  I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.

Since I have come to understand myself as a called individual, particularly as a person with some prophetic insight, I have looked to this scripture time and again because it has some correlation with my life and experience.  I’m sure that many people with any sense of calling can relate to the feeling of being called/compelled to do something and then feeling like they’ve been tricked in some way.  ‘Maybe God was mistaken,’ we think.  ‘I feel like You set me up, God.’  We can find ourselves in places and led to do things that make us question all of what we think we heard.  It can get tough - people can respond to us in less than positive ways, and we can feel beat up and persecuted or even just frustrated by how things turn out.  At the point where we meet Jeremiah in this text, he has been beaten up and put in stocks.  Yet, after he is released, he goes to the person who put him in the stocks and delivers a word that says that he (Pashhur) will bring destruction to his friends and death to himself. 

Common sense might tell you that if someone just had you beaten and put into stocks that you would want to go far from that person once you were released.  But for some strange reason, Jeremiah went back into the lion's den and said things that could get him a repeat of his previous punishment, if not worse.  Why in the world would he do that?  Well, as he complains to God, it's because he feels compelled by a passion that is akin to fire.  Even though his physical life and health may be in jeopardy if he does what he feels led to do, the drive in him is so strong that it doesn't matter - he would rather risk it than to sit on this word he has been given.  I am a writer, and there have been moments where words have piled up in my chest and in my head to the point that I couldn't think, breathe, and sit still until I have gotten those words onto paper and out of my being.  Whatever your passion, you likely have had experiences like these where you felt it building or pushing on you or weighing so heavily on you that until you responded to the feeling, you couldn't find any sort of peace or rest.
But what about the risk?  For me, taking the moment to get a piece of paper and write down what I'm thinking/feeling, there isn't much risk.  Even if what I write is controversial, I don't necessarily have to do anything with it.  The desire was to write it.  Yet, after the writing, I'm likely gonna need to share it in some way, and depending on what it is, that could cause some consequences and repercussions.  If it's a personal message, the person may not like/receive it.  If it's something more universal, it may change people's opinion of me.  There is always some level of risk in doing what God asks to do in a public place - ask Jesus, MLK, Martin Luther, and any other martyr or person who died for their cause.  Even if your risk is stepping outside the box and having people think your idea is radical or going against the status quo, if you are going to do anything of substance, it will likely cause an issue or a ripple in the pond of some sort...
But that's okay.  In fact, that can be the best thing for us.  While Jeremiah experienced much persecution and frustration through his lifetime, he was also blessed to have an intimate with God.  There was also some provision for him toward the end of his life to live in a palace and be treated well.  Does everyone have a happy ending like that?  No.  But they find greater fulfillment in doing what their very being calls out for them to do?  I would like to think so.  I know that I find relief whenever I write what I feel led to, even if it's just for my own personal edification.  And I am further affirmed in the fact that the Creator of the universe still has things to say to me from time to time, which is a good feeling, esp when I can get too caught up in my own life to be as attentive as I should be.  

Take away: I think that while it can sometimes be hard to do whatever it is we are feeling led to do, and even though there may even be some risk involved, we should never miss an opportunity to live out and positively respond to our calling and/or passion.  You don't have to be a minister or prophet to be called.  And you don't have to be perfect to respond.  Clearly Jeremiah cried and complained, but God can handle our concerns and complaints.  God's not offended when you're honest about your feelings... but obedience is still the optimal response.   So be empowered.  The world didn't end on December 21 or at midnight, so there's more to be done.  Find, feel, and follow your passion(s) and your call(s).  Let that fire propel you into greater things for 2013 and beyond.