Today, I am feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions. I cannot really put into words all of what is going on. My wonderful partner texted me a picture of us jumping the broom and reminded me that we've officially been married for a month. And while that is a cause for celebration, jubilation is not at the top of my list of feelings right now. While we now have the freedom to marry, at least in our state, we also want kids, but we are conflicted as to whether to do that considering the fear we would have to face every day of our children being gunned down by those called to protect and serve or raped by people whose patriarchal privilege makes them blind to the value of others.
On Facebook, I see people celebrating birthdays and enjoying things like that, and such should be celebrated. Clearly life is not promised, and we should take every opportunity to be thankful for each day and each breath that we get. But when will we learn to truly mourn as a community and a nation? Not just for celebrities (not to negate their lives) but for the soul of this country and for the people who die needlessly on a daily basis. I am typically an optimistic person, but it is really hard to find a bright spot in this. My heart aches for my community and for my people, especially since many of them are denouncing the protesters and distancing themselves, saying "those aren't my people." You might not think so, but you will be gunned down just as easily, because in this country, we are all united in the eyes of a system that was never built to protect us.
So what do I do? I don't want to self-medicate. I don't want to destroy property or do violence to others. Maybe Marcus Garvey had it right.... Black people were never meant for this country, and even with a black man as president, it's clear that we are still only about 3/5 of a person in the eyes of the law.... So what do I do? The church will tell me to pray, saying that God is still in control and that there is a judgment coming that will right all such things, so I should just pray about it. While I don't find that a comforting answer, and while I'm sure Lesley McSpadden and Michael Brown Sr have been told to pray too, but that's not gonna bring back their son or really do much else for them. But I will try.....
I will pray the prayers of my ancestors in the bellies of slave ships, of women comforting themselves after being ravaged in secret then sent to the fields to pick cotton, of lynching victims as the noose was placed around their necks, of victims of violence being assaulted with hands and feet and verbal weapons - Lord, why? When will enough be enough? When will the people made in Your image see that image in others? When will how I feel matter? You promised peace, but all I find are pieces - pieces of my family as we separated, incarcerated, and slaughtered... pieces of my sanity as I try to make sense of living in "the land of the free and the home of the brave" while I don't have the freedom to walk down the street, because the "brave" police are afraid of unarmed black men... pieces of a Church that is supposed provide holistic ministry and healing but is more concerned with tithes and following a program than making a difference in the lives of the people and the community. God, do You hear the cries of Your people? The tears are not of worship but of sadness and hurt.... I'm not lifting my hands in reverence but in frustration.... Justice is a joke, and I'm the punchline. Hear my lament. Rescue me. Or show me how to rescue myself. But don't just leave me to another Sunday service, another day of work to continue the killer capitalist system moving, another "let the system work," another "let's talk calmly about things." I confess that I'm angry, and I don't have the internal fortitude to wait for vengeance to be Yours, especially when the killer has been released to enjoy his new wife while the victim won't get the chance to fall in love...............
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
I Did... and I Do
As we sit on the shore of the Atlantic Ocean, staring into the seemingly endless expanse of that bluish gray aquatic blanket, I am grateful for the chance to finally sit still and reflect upon the flurry of this past few days....
When the Supreme Court decided not to decide, allowing gay marriage to become legal in Virginia, we felt that it was a sign to us that the original date we'd chosen - October 25 in proximity to our 2-year anniversary - was the one we should go with. [Little did I know, Brooke had been making plans to surprise me as an anniversary gift on that date before the news about the Supreme Court broke.] So we dusted off our plans, scaled them down, and pulled together what turned out to be a beautiful wedding... but I'm skipping ahead. We had chosen a park near our previous apartment (and near the restaurant where we met) that we'd come to on a few dates. We prayed that the weather would permit an outdoor ceremony and put our planning into full gear.
Even on a small scale with a guest list under 40 for a ceremony, there were numerous details to attend to, some of which were admittedly forgotten.... But among them where my outfit (found at K&G with the help of my newest friend), Brooke's outfit (3 ties and several stores later), invites (evites and verbal invitations about 2 weeks or less before the date), hair (done the day before and altered the day off - praise God for a million bobby pins), nails (never waited that long in a nail place, and it's only been about a decade since I even got a manicure), a broom (our little cinnamon struggle broom made by 2 less than craft-wise people with rainbow beads, some ribbon, and some Kente cloth), unity sand (finding appropriate pouring vessels, a receiving vessel, and measuring for size with a water fountain in Michael's), and so much more.....
Admittedly, there were some moments this past week when we wondered if we wanted to take that step... and I believe that's okay. It is a major life decision, and while we had been working toward it for a while, there is something about the impending reality that draws up all sorts of feelings. As is often said in the church, the toughest battle is usually right before the breakthrough/blessing. As with any soon-to-be married people, we both had our own nerves. Every so often, we'd think about it or be talking about it, and we'd just scream. It was an exciting and frightening reality that lay ahead.
But the time was quickly approaching. The night before, we had a joint bachelor(ette) party, and that was probably more fun than it should have been. And we spent our first night apart in almost 2 years, which was sorta strange. I may or may not have gotten a slightly inebriated phone call after I'd gone to Shannon and Chas' house to sleep while the party continued with her and her best friend. But it was me who needed the drink the next day as I was preparing. There was still a little running around to do that morning, and one such errand was Kroger for flowers. I wanted blue (wedding color) and purple (my favorite color), but those colors aren't always available in flowers. Yet, when I walked to the flower section, I saw the most beautiful blue orchids. After picking out a few flowers, I watched the lady put them together and a tear tickled my eye. For some reason, the assembling of the bouquet opened a level of realization that this day was real. The flowers being tied together were for a ceremony in which I would be permanently tied to Brooke.....
As I was getting my make-up done, it took everything inside me not to jump up and take a lap. My nerves were flying and the nervous energy was getting to me. Thankfully, my friend had an adorable little dog who I was able to pet and find some calm. When I finally put on my dress, I took a breath, thinking "this is the last dress I'll ever wear." Granted, that's not entirely true, but it's crazy the defining nature of that piece of clothing. Leaving the house, riding down the road, parking at the park, my mind was racing. I was excited and nervous and ready to go.
When there was a hold up at the park, I could have fallen out. By that point, I was just ready to get it done. I was ready to "be the bride" and take in all the attention (I'm not usually that girl, but hey, you only do it once). I was ready to meet my spouse-to-be and see her in her handsome glory. I was ready to proclaim before God and all assembled the love we share. So when it was finally time, I couldn't get the smile off my face. Chas walked me down the steps so I wouldn't fall. And when I saw Brooke's face, my heart was overjoyed. I knew that all of it was worth it and that I had made the right decision on the person to spend my life with.
My dear friend Dotty who I asked to open the ceremony in song - bless her heart - forgot the words when I appeared. She later told me that she was mad at me for being so beautiful and not warning her. But she sounded beautiful nonetheless. While I think I remember much of what was said in the ceremony, it is still something of a blur. Words like "your love saved me," "ribbon in the sky," "truthiness," "loveyness," "in sickness and in health," "put a drink on your tab," "if I ain't got you," "I promise," and many more encompass the emotional firestorm of that brief ceremony. I was overwhelmed, and though my tears didn't fall as freely as Brooke's did, my eyes watered and my heart fluttered. By the time we jumped the broom... I was spent, but in a good way. Then to see all the people who had come together to share our love....
You couldn't have asked for a better day. The weather was gorgeous, especially for a late October afternoon. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, the breeze was subtle, the sun shone brightly, and most of the people who mean the most to me were there. Even my dad, who I have had some issues with over the past 2 years regarding my relationship, was there.
But to take the cake.... Brooke and I stayed behind with Jaime, the photographer, to take some pictures. Suddenly a tour bus pulls up, and to our surprise, it is a tour bus from the Gay Community Center of Richmond. They were doing an LGBT history tour for Richmond, and we ended up being part of the tour. They cheered and took pictures with us. What an amazing affirmation of what we had just done. Following that, we had dinner with some of our guests at Bottoms Up.
Once it was all said and done, we were exhausted but happy. I can't tell you what it means that I have been blessed to take this step with such a wonderful woman. And I'm certainly very appreciative of those who showed their support in person, on facebook, via text, etc, because not everyone will. I look forward to many wonderful years of love, growth, and laughter.
When the Supreme Court decided not to decide, allowing gay marriage to become legal in Virginia, we felt that it was a sign to us that the original date we'd chosen - October 25 in proximity to our 2-year anniversary - was the one we should go with. [Little did I know, Brooke had been making plans to surprise me as an anniversary gift on that date before the news about the Supreme Court broke.] So we dusted off our plans, scaled them down, and pulled together what turned out to be a beautiful wedding... but I'm skipping ahead. We had chosen a park near our previous apartment (and near the restaurant where we met) that we'd come to on a few dates. We prayed that the weather would permit an outdoor ceremony and put our planning into full gear.
Even on a small scale with a guest list under 40 for a ceremony, there were numerous details to attend to, some of which were admittedly forgotten.... But among them where my outfit (found at K&G with the help of my newest friend), Brooke's outfit (3 ties and several stores later), invites (evites and verbal invitations about 2 weeks or less before the date), hair (done the day before and altered the day off - praise God for a million bobby pins), nails (never waited that long in a nail place, and it's only been about a decade since I even got a manicure), a broom (our little cinnamon struggle broom made by 2 less than craft-wise people with rainbow beads, some ribbon, and some Kente cloth), unity sand (finding appropriate pouring vessels, a receiving vessel, and measuring for size with a water fountain in Michael's), and so much more.....
Admittedly, there were some moments this past week when we wondered if we wanted to take that step... and I believe that's okay. It is a major life decision, and while we had been working toward it for a while, there is something about the impending reality that draws up all sorts of feelings. As is often said in the church, the toughest battle is usually right before the breakthrough/blessing. As with any soon-to-be married people, we both had our own nerves. Every so often, we'd think about it or be talking about it, and we'd just scream. It was an exciting and frightening reality that lay ahead.
But the time was quickly approaching. The night before, we had a joint bachelor(ette) party, and that was probably more fun than it should have been. And we spent our first night apart in almost 2 years, which was sorta strange. I may or may not have gotten a slightly inebriated phone call after I'd gone to Shannon and Chas' house to sleep while the party continued with her and her best friend. But it was me who needed the drink the next day as I was preparing. There was still a little running around to do that morning, and one such errand was Kroger for flowers. I wanted blue (wedding color) and purple (my favorite color), but those colors aren't always available in flowers. Yet, when I walked to the flower section, I saw the most beautiful blue orchids. After picking out a few flowers, I watched the lady put them together and a tear tickled my eye. For some reason, the assembling of the bouquet opened a level of realization that this day was real. The flowers being tied together were for a ceremony in which I would be permanently tied to Brooke.....
As I was getting my make-up done, it took everything inside me not to jump up and take a lap. My nerves were flying and the nervous energy was getting to me. Thankfully, my friend had an adorable little dog who I was able to pet and find some calm. When I finally put on my dress, I took a breath, thinking "this is the last dress I'll ever wear." Granted, that's not entirely true, but it's crazy the defining nature of that piece of clothing. Leaving the house, riding down the road, parking at the park, my mind was racing. I was excited and nervous and ready to go.
When there was a hold up at the park, I could have fallen out. By that point, I was just ready to get it done. I was ready to "be the bride" and take in all the attention (I'm not usually that girl, but hey, you only do it once). I was ready to meet my spouse-to-be and see her in her handsome glory. I was ready to proclaim before God and all assembled the love we share. So when it was finally time, I couldn't get the smile off my face. Chas walked me down the steps so I wouldn't fall. And when I saw Brooke's face, my heart was overjoyed. I knew that all of it was worth it and that I had made the right decision on the person to spend my life with.
My dear friend Dotty who I asked to open the ceremony in song - bless her heart - forgot the words when I appeared. She later told me that she was mad at me for being so beautiful and not warning her. But she sounded beautiful nonetheless. While I think I remember much of what was said in the ceremony, it is still something of a blur. Words like "your love saved me," "ribbon in the sky," "truthiness," "loveyness," "in sickness and in health," "put a drink on your tab," "if I ain't got you," "I promise," and many more encompass the emotional firestorm of that brief ceremony. I was overwhelmed, and though my tears didn't fall as freely as Brooke's did, my eyes watered and my heart fluttered. By the time we jumped the broom... I was spent, but in a good way. Then to see all the people who had come together to share our love....
You couldn't have asked for a better day. The weather was gorgeous, especially for a late October afternoon. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, the breeze was subtle, the sun shone brightly, and most of the people who mean the most to me were there. Even my dad, who I have had some issues with over the past 2 years regarding my relationship, was there.
But to take the cake.... Brooke and I stayed behind with Jaime, the photographer, to take some pictures. Suddenly a tour bus pulls up, and to our surprise, it is a tour bus from the Gay Community Center of Richmond. They were doing an LGBT history tour for Richmond, and we ended up being part of the tour. They cheered and took pictures with us. What an amazing affirmation of what we had just done. Following that, we had dinner with some of our guests at Bottoms Up.
Once it was all said and done, we were exhausted but happy. I can't tell you what it means that I have been blessed to take this step with such a wonderful woman. And I'm certainly very appreciative of those who showed their support in person, on facebook, via text, etc, because not everyone will. I look forward to many wonderful years of love, growth, and laughter.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Devotional: When the Ground Cries
The Lord asked Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?”
He answered, “I don't know. Am I supposed to take care of my brother?”
Then the Lord said, “Why have you done this terrible thing? Your brother's blood is crying out to me from the ground, like a voice calling for revenge."
As I have watched the Michael Brown situation and all the subsequent events in Ferguson, I am in awe of the utter disregard for human life. Now, please don't think that I'm just now noticing that there is racism and violence and all manner of evil in the world. But as I reflect on slayings like his that have robbed communities of black men for centuries, as I ponder the journalist beheaded by ISIS, as I think about the abuse of women and the chronically poor in Africa and around the world, I am overwhelmed by the sheer... inhumane treatment that comes from so many people, especially people of faith.
I am angry that racism continues to kill young black men in America, especially since I have a passion for young people. I am angry that sexism continues to keep women subjugated, whether in sub-par relationships because we've been taught not to be single or at jobs where we mean (and make) less. I am angry that homophobia in the guise of religious zeal has torn apart families and killed countless people who others couldn't bother to love for the sake of being "right."
I am angry that mental illness is treated like a plague (when people bother to pay attention to it at all) and blame the person suffering as if they chose it. I am angry that children are often the helpless victims of predators, whether it is the issues, prejudices, and mistreatment of their parents/relatives or the school systems that treat them like numbers.
At what point do we say, hey.... Maybe I should treat folks better. At what point do we say, it's not right for someone to be hurt this way, even if I'm having a bad day, I shouldn't take it out on someone else. Regardless of what I think of someone, they still deserve some BASIC human respect.
Am I the keeper of other human beings? Yes. Does that mean I have to provide for every single one or invite them all into my home and completely forsake myself or my needs for everyone else? No. It does mean that I should care when they die, be upset when they are hurting, and push for their rights just as hard as I push for mine. And if I have all of mine without issue (certain groups with privilege - white, male, straight, financially stable, able-bodied, Christian in America, etc - I'm talking to you), then I should be working twice as hard to push for others.
While we can act otherwise, we are accountable for the things that happen to those around us. We are so much richer when we connect with others, especially those who are different from us. But we won't know that until we do it. Until we can step out of our comfort zone and embrace others, we can't imagine the fullness that we can gain.
And even if you don't become best friends, at the very least, we cannot abide these abuses of power that the police, the government, or any type of leadership feels that they have.
SC Justice John Roberts ruled that gay marriage in Virginia would be delayed. He (and much of the government) feel that they should have that level of control over someone else's life because of something that they don't personally agree with. The same way Darren Wilson felt he had control over the life of Michael Brown because of his discomfort with a large black male. And now blood (whether literal or emotional) is crying from the ground....
When are we going to start being the keeper of our brothers and sisters?
While we can act otherwise, we are accountable for the things that happen to those around us. We are so much richer when we connect with others, especially those who are different from us. But we won't know that until we do it. Until we can step out of our comfort zone and embrace others, we can't imagine the fullness that we can gain.
And even if you don't become best friends, at the very least, we cannot abide these abuses of power that the police, the government, or any type of leadership feels that they have.
SC Justice John Roberts ruled that gay marriage in Virginia would be delayed. He (and much of the government) feel that they should have that level of control over someone else's life because of something that they don't personally agree with. The same way Darren Wilson felt he had control over the life of Michael Brown because of his discomfort with a large black male. And now blood (whether literal or emotional) is crying from the ground....
When are we going to start being the keeper of our brothers and sisters?
http://colorlines.com/archives/2014/08/police_shoot_and_kill_another_black_man_near_ferguson.html
http://www.wmcactionnews5.com/story/26318439/pastor-to-challenge-church-board-on-female-preachers#.U_QUcFqmz9Y.facebook
http://news.distractify.com/people/compassion-in-conflict/?v=1
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Devotional: When I Can't Trust My Mind
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18
When I found out about the death of Robin Williams, I was saddened, because he's an iconic actor who has played countless amazing roles. Then when I heard that it was suicide because of depression and related substance abuse, it took the wind out of me.
You see, as I look back over my own life, I remember the moments where I battled depression. I think of the times when I pondered getting into a car accident or driving off of something. I remember moments where the pain was so thick inside that I couldn't speak. I also reflect on the people closest to me who have suffered/do suffer because of things like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and other invisible mental/emotional conditions. There have been times when I have even been "blessed" (and I use the quotation marks because it's not a blessing anyone prayers for, but it's better than the alternative) to talk someone down off that ledge.
Today, I read an article that said Robin Williams' death feels more personal, because if he could succumb to something that so many of us deal with in one way or another, and he had enough resources for great treatment (even having recently checked himself into rehab), what hope do the rest of us have? I think there is some merit to that, but I think it goes further. On a Facebook post about his passing, someone gave the usual rhetoric about suicide being selfish, and someone responded that in cases of depression and mental illness, the element of choice which would make such an act selfish is either diminished or completely missing.... And that struck me....
It's easy to make determinations and assumptions about the motives and heart of others. But at the end of the day, we have no idea what someone is really fully going through. No matter how well or how long you've known someone, there is no telling what is really going on in the quiet recesses of someone's mind. I love Brooke tremendously, and we share and talk and open up quite a bit on a regular basis, but there are still things that have happened in her life that have shaped parts of her that I will never fully understand. Even some of her reactions puzzle me at times, but my job as her partner is to love her, accept her, and be there for her like she is for me.
I could talk for days about this, especially as the emotions are flowing and moving in some unexpected ways, but I'm gonna jump back to the title - I know that it's like to look at life and wonder what the point is. My heart has felt the overwhelming desire to just rest for a while, tired of all that life takes away or deals without mercy. The only reason I've not made that transition of my own accord is because I was able to sense and receive some love from the Divine. It may have been through another person, a song, a meme, a renewed sense of purpose, a rainbow, time in God's presence, a gentle inner nudge, or whatever other divine intervention that God chose in an otherwise dark moment.
I don't say these things for sympathy or whatever. My purpose in writing this (and calling it a devotional) is to call our hearts and minds to the realities that affect so many people. My devotion today and every day will be the two greatest commandments according to Christianity (and some rules that I think are fairly universal in spirit): love God with all of who you are and love your neighbor as you love yourself. Whatever your understanding of the Divine, know that there is something bigger than you connecting you to everything else in life. The fact that you are alive speaks to a purpose, and that is worth devoting yourself to. And yes, people and life can cause tremendous pain, but I (and I would venture to say everyone) need to know that when I can't trust my own mind to tell me the truth - I am beautiful, I am loved, I am worthwhile, I am enough, I matter, I have a purpose, etc - that there will be Someone who cares and someone who will reach out, so I should be willing to do the same for someone else. And if I cannot feel the arms of another or reach for the Divine, I have to pull out the pom poms and be my own cheerleader, even if that means writing affirmations, tattooing a reminder on my arm, or making the screen of my phone words to live by.
Let's devote ourselves to (re)building community so that we can hopefully lessen (if not eradicate) tragic losses like this one.
And if you are suffering, know that there are professionals and people who can provide assistance. Don't ever try to go it alone....
When I found out about the death of Robin Williams, I was saddened, because he's an iconic actor who has played countless amazing roles. Then when I heard that it was suicide because of depression and related substance abuse, it took the wind out of me.
You see, as I look back over my own life, I remember the moments where I battled depression. I think of the times when I pondered getting into a car accident or driving off of something. I remember moments where the pain was so thick inside that I couldn't speak. I also reflect on the people closest to me who have suffered/do suffer because of things like depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and other invisible mental/emotional conditions. There have been times when I have even been "blessed" (and I use the quotation marks because it's not a blessing anyone prayers for, but it's better than the alternative) to talk someone down off that ledge.
Today, I read an article that said Robin Williams' death feels more personal, because if he could succumb to something that so many of us deal with in one way or another, and he had enough resources for great treatment (even having recently checked himself into rehab), what hope do the rest of us have? I think there is some merit to that, but I think it goes further. On a Facebook post about his passing, someone gave the usual rhetoric about suicide being selfish, and someone responded that in cases of depression and mental illness, the element of choice which would make such an act selfish is either diminished or completely missing.... And that struck me....
It's easy to make determinations and assumptions about the motives and heart of others. But at the end of the day, we have no idea what someone is really fully going through. No matter how well or how long you've known someone, there is no telling what is really going on in the quiet recesses of someone's mind. I love Brooke tremendously, and we share and talk and open up quite a bit on a regular basis, but there are still things that have happened in her life that have shaped parts of her that I will never fully understand. Even some of her reactions puzzle me at times, but my job as her partner is to love her, accept her, and be there for her like she is for me.
I could talk for days about this, especially as the emotions are flowing and moving in some unexpected ways, but I'm gonna jump back to the title - I know that it's like to look at life and wonder what the point is. My heart has felt the overwhelming desire to just rest for a while, tired of all that life takes away or deals without mercy. The only reason I've not made that transition of my own accord is because I was able to sense and receive some love from the Divine. It may have been through another person, a song, a meme, a renewed sense of purpose, a rainbow, time in God's presence, a gentle inner nudge, or whatever other divine intervention that God chose in an otherwise dark moment.
I don't say these things for sympathy or whatever. My purpose in writing this (and calling it a devotional) is to call our hearts and minds to the realities that affect so many people. My devotion today and every day will be the two greatest commandments according to Christianity (and some rules that I think are fairly universal in spirit): love God with all of who you are and love your neighbor as you love yourself. Whatever your understanding of the Divine, know that there is something bigger than you connecting you to everything else in life. The fact that you are alive speaks to a purpose, and that is worth devoting yourself to. And yes, people and life can cause tremendous pain, but I (and I would venture to say everyone) need to know that when I can't trust my own mind to tell me the truth - I am beautiful, I am loved, I am worthwhile, I am enough, I matter, I have a purpose, etc - that there will be Someone who cares and someone who will reach out, so I should be willing to do the same for someone else. And if I cannot feel the arms of another or reach for the Divine, I have to pull out the pom poms and be my own cheerleader, even if that means writing affirmations, tattooing a reminder on my arm, or making the screen of my phone words to live by.
Let's devote ourselves to (re)building community so that we can hopefully lessen (if not eradicate) tragic losses like this one.
And if you are suffering, know that there are professionals and people who can provide assistance. Don't ever try to go it alone....
Genie, you're free....
RIP Robin Williams
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Devotional: Speaking to the Dead
Ezekiel 37:3 - God said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "O Lord God, You know."
How often in life do you feel dead? If you're like me, you've had some dead zones in your life where, like your cell phone, you couldn't get any services, you felt no meaningful connection, and you likely felt useless.
This dead feeling can result from any number of troubling situations and circumstances:
How often in life do you feel dead? If you're like me, you've had some dead zones in your life where, like your cell phone, you couldn't get any services, you felt no meaningful connection, and you likely felt useless.
This dead feeling can result from any number of troubling situations and circumstances:
- Dead finances when you lack a job or a job sufficient to your needs
- Dead confidence when you've failed at something or been told that you're not _______ enough
- Dead hope when too many things have failed to come through for you
- Dead trust when people you cared about and trusted have hurt or let you down
- Dead desire when your efforts never seem to payoff
- Dead spirit when the Divine feels far from you
- Dead emotions when your heart is too tired to try or it's emoting out of control
- Dead mind when it's clouded and cluttered with chaotic thoughts, too much stuff, and unproductive ponderings
- Dead body when you feel unhealthy, achy, exhausted, and unable to really function
I could go on, but you know your situation and the aches that you feel for a part of yourself basically being inactive.
One of the things that I find fascinating about the Ezekiel text is that God brings Ezekiel into the valley. While God possessed the ability to bring the army to life, God brings in Ezekiel to speak. While in that context, it was Ezekiel's job to hear from God and speak to the people, I think there's an important, relevant lesson here: sometimes it takes God bringing us into the midst of Death Valley to get us to both listen and speak. It's there that we can see the situation, we can hear what God knows, and we can be empowered to speak into our lives.
While there are some legit obstacles and issues in life, I feel that at least part of the issue is a problem of belief, especially in ourselves and the power we possess. There is so much we could accomplish if we believed enough to give ourselves fully in pursuit of our goals and desires. In fact, I think that laziness in a lot of ways is really about fear, especially of failure but also of success. So rather than try, we chill in easy, comfortable spaces...
So let's take the time today to come face-to-face with our bones, seeking Divine guidance, and begin to speak. This speaking can be to ourselves in an affirming way, to our situation that it will not win, to others to gain assistance/support, or even speech through the necessary actions to grow and move forward. And you might be surprised by what comes from within. In the story, Ezekiel didn't have to tell the bones how to come together - they automatically knew and did it. You know more than you think - trust yourself.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -Marianne Williamson
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
1.75!
Today is 21 months that I have shared with Brooke Taylor. Most people wouldn't think it necessary to celebrate something like this, which doesn't really seem like a milestone. But I realized this morning that I have never been in a relationship this long. That may seem strange since I'm less than 6 months grin being 30 (Jesus, take the wheel), but it's true. I'm not going to speak ill of my previous relationships, because honestly, they weren't bad. I was with some great people - they just weren't necessarily great for me or great for where I was at a particular time in my life. Yet and still, I have never reached this milestone in a relationship, and I think it is significant.For one thing, I am greatly appreciative of the woman I love. We both acknowledge that we weren't exactly what the other was looking for, but how many of you know that God will give you what you need in a different form and it's up to us to recognize it. She is one of the most loving, caring people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She cares for me in ways that no one else has, and while she's not perfect, she is definitely amazing. That has made the 1.75 years a blessing in my life.
And as I have gotten older, I have come to realize just how much everything is a blessing. Nothing should be taken for granted, and while it may seem silly to some, as the Malaysian flights, the tornadoes, the tsunamis, the random shootings and police brutality, and so much more, nothing is promised. Every day that you are in a relationship (friendship, romantic, parental, familial, etc) where you love and know you are loved, there is nothing like it on earth. That isn't something to ignore or wait for a "special day" in order to celebrate or be grateful for.
Thank you, baby.... Thank You, God. Whether it's 21 months or 764,568,943 days, I am grateful for her, and I am grateful for all the loving relationships in my life.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Is the Caged Bird Singing?
Maya Angelou was a literary hero for me. Her book "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" had an impact on me that I am still learning to appreciate to this day. While I recognize that she was advanced in age, it is hard to believe that such a presence is gone from the earth (at least in its physical form). Seeing the various pictures floating around that shared her quotations and insights, I am in awe of the wisdom that she both possessed and shared. I also feel like she wouldn't have wanted it as hers. She understood that part of the beauty in gaining, whether it be wisdom, abundance, wealth, etc., was to share with others and help them to gain as well.
I was having a conversation this morning at one of my jobs about a system in place in some of the schools that my co-worker is acquainted with. Apparently, because of pressure on the administration, teachers have been made to change grades and to pass students who were otherwise failing in order to meet numbers for graduation. Additionally, teachers have been known to give answers to SOL tests while the students are taking them in order to make the stats. Students were placed in AP classes, because a certain number of students were needed in order to keep the school at a certain level. Never mind the fact that AP classes are difficult and should probably be taken by people who actually want to do the work, or that people should actually learn the material needed in life so that when they finish school, they can be successful. No! What matters is the numbers and checking a box on a government form so that the school can continue to "function" and the administration doesn't have to make any real changes or reconsider how education is failing students by the hundreds.
Why do these two paragraphs relate? Because as I reflect on all that she did and I think about the needs in our world, generation, and community, I am charged to take my place and to follow in her footsteps. I have always looked up to her, and in seeing that she didn't even have a college degree, yet she learned 5 languages and became a professor... why do I feel the need to gain that much more education? I'm not saying that school is a bad thing, and I am pondering it to continue my journey and my dreams. I am wondering if I should have the same attitude as James Cone who basically decided that since people were dying in the streets, he needed to take the degree he had and make change from that lens.
I'm not sure. All I know is that communities and even a generation is dying, and we fail to see or care because of our own lives, insecurities, riches, and the like. Whether they are killed by their own apathy, by the patriarchy that drives them to murder when they are rejected, by their own hands when hate and discrimination make more sense than love and compassion (even in the face of disagreement), by systemic issues that use people as numbers and discard them as the same, by the pursuit of material wealth that is choking the nation's soul, or any number of other ills that plague our society, the death would be a devastating one if our eyes were open to it... especially since part of us is dying with them.
These caged birds are singing, dancing, jumping up and down, crying for help - for someone to love them, to teach them, to empower them, to invest in them, to give them more than their dysfunctional families and failing schools ever cared to. Will you hear their song? Will you hear the song within you that is the answer to one of the many problems that the world faces? No, you may not win a presidential medal of honor, but if you can positively impact one person on your journey and create a resurrection of someone's dry bones, you stand on the shoulders of great women like Maya Angelou and become the Phenomenal that you were created to be.
R.I.P. Angel Maya Angelou
I was having a conversation this morning at one of my jobs about a system in place in some of the schools that my co-worker is acquainted with. Apparently, because of pressure on the administration, teachers have been made to change grades and to pass students who were otherwise failing in order to meet numbers for graduation. Additionally, teachers have been known to give answers to SOL tests while the students are taking them in order to make the stats. Students were placed in AP classes, because a certain number of students were needed in order to keep the school at a certain level. Never mind the fact that AP classes are difficult and should probably be taken by people who actually want to do the work, or that people should actually learn the material needed in life so that when they finish school, they can be successful. No! What matters is the numbers and checking a box on a government form so that the school can continue to "function" and the administration doesn't have to make any real changes or reconsider how education is failing students by the hundreds.
Why do these two paragraphs relate? Because as I reflect on all that she did and I think about the needs in our world, generation, and community, I am charged to take my place and to follow in her footsteps. I have always looked up to her, and in seeing that she didn't even have a college degree, yet she learned 5 languages and became a professor... why do I feel the need to gain that much more education? I'm not saying that school is a bad thing, and I am pondering it to continue my journey and my dreams. I am wondering if I should have the same attitude as James Cone who basically decided that since people were dying in the streets, he needed to take the degree he had and make change from that lens.
I'm not sure. All I know is that communities and even a generation is dying, and we fail to see or care because of our own lives, insecurities, riches, and the like. Whether they are killed by their own apathy, by the patriarchy that drives them to murder when they are rejected, by their own hands when hate and discrimination make more sense than love and compassion (even in the face of disagreement), by systemic issues that use people as numbers and discard them as the same, by the pursuit of material wealth that is choking the nation's soul, or any number of other ills that plague our society, the death would be a devastating one if our eyes were open to it... especially since part of us is dying with them.
These caged birds are singing, dancing, jumping up and down, crying for help - for someone to love them, to teach them, to empower them, to invest in them, to give them more than their dysfunctional families and failing schools ever cared to. Will you hear their song? Will you hear the song within you that is the answer to one of the many problems that the world faces? No, you may not win a presidential medal of honor, but if you can positively impact one person on your journey and create a resurrection of someone's dry bones, you stand on the shoulders of great women like Maya Angelou and become the Phenomenal that you were created to be.
R.I.P. Angel Maya Angelou
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Will You Marry Me?
So, because I'm a girl and I do sorta like mushy stuff sometimes, and because I think it's fun to share, I wanted to write the story of this little item on the ring finger of my left hand.
It was Monday, January 13. I was at work at my first job - substitute teaching. My assignment for the day was the Early Head Start children of the high school students, so I was watching the little people play. Brooke had an appointment that morning, but she had texted me periodically. After her appointment, she texted me that it had not gone the way she wanted, so she was sad. She asked me to stop by and see her at her job before I went to my second job.
Once I was done, I headed to her job. I got to the place where she worked, and she gave me a great hug. She walked me downstairs, because she knew I had to get to work. There's a bench outside the building where she works, so she said we should sit down for a minute. She said, I like you. I said, I like you too. She said, so you think you could spend some time with me, maybe a lifetime? I said, well, we've spent 14 lifetimes together (we have a thing about Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime," where she talks about being butterflies, and we'd found out that butterflies only tend to live for a month), so I figure we could do a few more. It was at that point she pulled out the ring box and opened it to show me the ring... Needless to say, I was in shock.
So, it turns out that the appointment that morning was to go get the ring made, and she said what she did about the appointment, because she thought I was on to her and what she was up to. We had looked at rings before, and she got exactly what I wanted - white gold, amethyst (since purple is my favorite color and I'm opposed to diamonds), and the "swirlies" - something with curves and not just a straight band. It's a beautiful ring, and I think it took me a minute to realize what was going on. It was quite a surprise, but I'm glad and excited. That night, we had dinner at 2113, the place on Main Street where we first met - just seemed to make sense.
In terms of a when and where, we're discussing that, but I know we're both looking forward to sharing that day with those closest to us and each other.
It was Monday, January 13. I was at work at my first job - substitute teaching. My assignment for the day was the Early Head Start children of the high school students, so I was watching the little people play. Brooke had an appointment that morning, but she had texted me periodically. After her appointment, she texted me that it had not gone the way she wanted, so she was sad. She asked me to stop by and see her at her job before I went to my second job.
Once I was done, I headed to her job. I got to the place where she worked, and she gave me a great hug. She walked me downstairs, because she knew I had to get to work. There's a bench outside the building where she works, so she said we should sit down for a minute. She said, I like you. I said, I like you too. She said, so you think you could spend some time with me, maybe a lifetime? I said, well, we've spent 14 lifetimes together (we have a thing about Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime," where she talks about being butterflies, and we'd found out that butterflies only tend to live for a month), so I figure we could do a few more. It was at that point she pulled out the ring box and opened it to show me the ring... Needless to say, I was in shock.
In terms of a when and where, we're discussing that, but I know we're both looking forward to sharing that day with those closest to us and each other.
"My beloved is mine, and I am hers."
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